5
“Hmm. This angle… no, that’s wrong.”
“Hey… we don’t need you to be that precise. Can you just hurry up and bury it?”
“Hah. You just don’t get it. This single millimeter could hold the power to change the tide of battle. …Probably. I don’t really know.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever. But if you’re too slow, we’re going to be stuck here all night.”
Petra, her face grim, was practically pressing her cheek to the dirt, obsessing over the tool’s position.
…I’d completely forgotten. She was the type of person who chases perfection to the bitter end.
I was watching Petra work, brushing her hair back over her shoulder, when I felt a tap on my back.
“Sir Aldia. We’re finished over here.”
“Then head on to the next point.”
“Got it. What about you, Sir Aldia?”
“I’ll head over after a final check. Tell the others to move on to the next site as soon as they’re done.”
“Understood!” the soldier replied cheerfully. He headed over to the group that was waiting idly and relayed my orders.
“We’ll be going on ahead, then.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
As the other soldiers finished up and moved on, I just stood there next to Petra, waiting for her to be done.
“…You don’t have to wait. You can go on ahead.”
Noticing my gaze, she looked uncomfortable and tucked her hair behind her ear. But I didn’t feel like leaving her.
“Sorry, but I’m not heartless enough to leave you here alone.”
“How kind. But I don’t need your pity. Don’t worry about me, just go.”
Seems like she’s incapable of just accepting someone’s kindness. …Then again, I already knew that. I couldn’t help but smile wryly as I watched her profile, still glaring intently at the magic tool.
Petra tries to do everything perfectly, all by herself. She has this powerful drive to get stronger on her own, without ever relying on anyone else.
“…Hmm. No. Maybe like this?”
It’s why she’s more stubborn than anyone, hard on others, and even harder on herself. And yet, underneath all that, she’s kinder than anyone. That’s just who Petra is.
“Hey, I can’t concentrate when you’re staring… Shoo, shoo.”
She waved her hand to dismiss me, but I noticed her ears were faintly red. She’s probably just embarrassed to be worried over. But I deliberately sat down next to her anyway. And then I gave her a flimsy excuse in a deliberately flat voice.
“Sorry. Just tired. Sitting here for a bit.”
“What? Slacking off?”
“Yep. Slacking off.”
“I’m telling Lady Valtrune.”
“Just call it a short break and let it slide.”
“Hmph… Well, do what you want.”
She’s such a pain. If I didn’t force the issue with an excuse, she’d never let me just sit here with her.
I was watching the wildflowers sway in the breeze when she suddenly cleared her throat.
“…Hey.”
“Hm?”
“What do you… really think of Lady Valtrune?”
She hit me with the question out of nowhere.
“What’s this all of a sudden?”
“It’s fine, isn’t it? We’re on a ‘short break’ anyway.”
She kept her hands busy, not looking at me for even a second, but her tone was serious.
What do I think of Princess Valtrune… The simple answer would be ‘my liege, to whom I’ve sworn absolute loyalty.’ But she’s probably not asking for that.She’s trying to get at my personal feelings.
“Rune-sama… is someone I can’t bear to lose.”
After a long pause, the only conclusion I could come up with sounded incredibly vague when I said it out loud.
“Someone you can’t bear to lose?”
“Yeah. I have countless feelings for her—like wanting to fight for her, or wanting to keep seeing her smile. But the foundation for all of it is… ‘As long as she just stays alive, that’s all that matters.’ Something like that.”
“I don’t get it. Isn’t that obvious? Everyone wants that.”
“Obvious… huh. Yeah, you’re right.”
Petra’s words hit me hard. Obvious. Yes, it’s the most obvious thing in the world. But for me, it’s also… special.
I let Princess Valtrune die once. I couldn’t protect her. All I could do was watch her die. That’s why I can’t lose her again.
No matter what it takes. No matter what methods I have to use. I will make sure Princess Valtrune lives and finds a happy future.
“Ah…!”
…So that’s it.
“What? What is it?”
Petra turned to look at me, reacting to the sound I’d made.
I quickly shook my head and ducked it slightly.
“Sorry. It’s nothing.”
“Hah. Don’t make weird noises all of a sudden. You surprised me.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“Jeez…”
Petra shot me an exasperated, cold look, but I wasn’t paying any attention to her.
“Hah… so that’s what it is.”
Because I had just come to a true understanding of my own motives. I haven’t been doing all this to grant Princess Valtrune’s wishes. My loyalty to her isn’t based on some noble ideal. It’s just… self-satisfaction.
‘I don’t want Princess Valtrune to die.’
Everything started from that one, single point. I was prepared to do anything, so long as it meant she would live. I’ve been carrying the regret of letting her die. Because I had known her kindness, I could never forgive it. I hated this entire world that killed her.
So this is my rebellion against that detestable fate.
To protect her smile, I would commit any atrocity without hesitation.
To keep her alive, I feel like I could kill kings, destroy nations, even kill a god.
To grant her wishes… I don’t care what happens to me.
That is my entire reason for being. Swearing loyalty to Princess Valtrune is partly for her happiness, but the biggest reason is, and always has been, my own ego. From the very beginning, I wasn’t doing this for her. I was doing it for myself. God, how ugly. I hate myself for being so selfish.
“…God, so selfish.”
“What? Just so you know, I have no problem hitting people.”
“Ow! Th-That’s not—!”
“How is it not? Your true feelings are written all over your face. Idiot!”
The insult I’d aimed at myself had been overheard by Petra, causing a completely unnecessary misunderstanding. Sometime during my thoughts, she’d finished her work, and her now-free hands were dedicated entirely to hitting me.
“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I’m just a selfish woman who obsesses over the details. It’s not like I care what you think. Not one bit.”
“If-if you don’t care… then please stop hitting me…”
“That has nothing to do with this.”
“That’s completely unreasonable…”
I’m against violence. Seriously, it hurts, so give me a break. As I blocked Petra’s fists with my arms, my composure suddenly returned.
…Right. I can’t just let this familiar horseplay break the tension and let me forget everything. I can’t let myself off the hook that easily.
This meaningless, everyday banter. As long as we’re having this comfortable, familiar back-and-forth, I can forget my own ugliness and stupidity. But using her as a distraction to cover up my self-loathing is absolutely wrong. What an idiot. I have to face this properly.
“Petra, wait. That’s not what I meant.”
“Huh?”
“What I said… it wasn’t aimed at you. It was all aimed at myself, so—”
I can’t just try to joke my way out of this. That’s a coward’s escape. I can’t let myself just forget my own selfishness. I grabbed her wrist, keeping my head down as I spoke.
“D-Don’t suddenly get so serious… It’s throwing me off.”
Petra’s fist loosened, and she gave me the lightest tap on the forehead.
“The work’s done. Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“I wasn’t waiting.”
“Yeah, whatever. Come on, let’s head to the next point. The sun’s going to set, isn’t it?”
Petra still misunderstood my muttering as being about her, but this time was different. I couldn’t let this misunderstanding stand.
“Wait.”
“…What is it?”
“I’ve never once thought you were selfish, Petra. If anyone’s selfish, it’s…”
‘It’s me.’ I wanted to say it, but the last words got caught in my throat. That’s right… All this time, I’ve been dragging everyone into this because of my own selfishness. I called my important friends to the Empire for the shallow reason that I didn’t want to fight them on a battlefield later. The only reason Petra and the others are fighting in the Provisional Elite Corps is because I begged them to. I’m the one who’s ruining their lives. That’s why this guilt just keeps staining my heart black.
“I’m sorry… I really should have apologized sooner.”
“I have absolutely no idea what you’re apologizing for.”
“…For dragging you all into my own selfish mess. For calling you to the Empire. For getting you to join the Provisional Elite Corps. …All of it. You were never supposed to have a future in the Empire, but because I asked you to…”
“Oh, just STOP!”
“—!”
As I rattled on with my apologies, Petra cut me off with a shout.
“I’ve been listening to you just wallow in all this negativity… and honestly, it’s annoying!”
“S-Sorr—”
“No apologizing, either.”
She jabbed a finger at me, her expression leaving no room for argument.
She really is kind. Her words are harsh, but that core part of her—the part that cares about people—never wavers.
“And stop feeling responsible for all this. Me, Steano, Flegel… well, I have no idea what Ambros is thinking, but… the point is, we made the choice to follow you!”
“You… did.”
“Yeah, we did. So stop carrying all this responsibility you don’t need to. It’s just plain unpleasant.”
“R-Right… Okay.”
…Idiot. ‘Unpleasant’ was a bit much.
But then again, that one word is what lets me off the hook. I thought ‘thank you’ in my head just as the scolding from a pouting Petra began.
“In the first place, I came to the Empire because I wanted to get stronger!”
“It’s not like I was obsessed with being a Royal Mage, anyway. The Empire’s mages are famous for being total beasts, so I just thought, ‘Eh, that sounds good, too’!”
“And… ah, dammit! Just thinking about it is making me even more irritated! Hey, can I hit you?”
—I take it back. I’ve reflected enough, so please stop the lecture. I’m sorry!
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